Q: I honestly don’t feel that I am in love with my husband any more. It’s been eight years and things have gone from bad to worse over the last two. I have lost total respect for him, and just about anything he does gets me irritated. He is a fantastic father to our kids, he is utterly gorgeous and we have a stable relationship, but I am just not sure that I want him to be my partner any more. I want to feel madly desired again; I want to feel alive again.
A: Phwooar, send his number this way! There is nothing sexier than a Foxy Dad who loves his family. I am sure you both settled for ‘stable’ for a while, and perhaps it has worked well. But now it’s time to mix things up a bit, shock the system. Stop waiting for him to take the lead. Book a hike to Peru or commission a naughty painting of him to hang in your new pleasure room. Then you may both be all too happy to go back to ‘stable’ for another few years before you up the ante again. And remember: there is only a state called ‘in love’ when you’re in that early psycho-stalker phase anyway. The rest of love just happens when it happens. Stop trying to recreate that heart-pounding feeling as he walks through the door. Fill your relationship with stuff you enjoy doing together. Normal stuff, without feeling like your heart has to skip a beat.
Make time for each other.
Tickle each other’s toes.
How can I make her fall back in love with me?
Q: My wife told me she loves me; she is just not ‘in love’ with me any more. I don’t know what to do about it. We have been together for eight years.
A: Oh, brother, that’s a typical kind of manipulative statement we women make. The subtext is that it requires you to change. Tell her to put away that damn Shirley Conran novel and to stop dreaming of an Arab prince. Do you still have fun together? Does she call you first when she gets good or bad news? Does she remember your birthday? She is hankering after a passionate romance, so show her a good time. ‘Love’, ‘in love’ … If she’s so keen on labels, take her shopping in Dubai. Those labels are just semantics.
I’m married to an ice queen
Q: We have been married for eighteen years, and over the past few years I feel we have grown apart. At our age, sex is no longer important, so we have lost that physical connection we always had. For our entire marriage, we have slept with our feet touching, but now she moves away from me. She was sick last year for a few months and since then things have got worse. My wife has never been naturally affectionate; we always joked about it, but now I feel as if she doesn’t want to be touched at all.
A: She specifically chose you to be her man because somewhere inside she knew that you wouldn’t let her withdraw and act like the Queen Mum. Isolationists tend to shy away from physical intimacy. It is in their nature to withdraw, and it will probably not even cross her mind to hold hands with you, or to give you a back rub. You need to ask her if there is anything going on. You also need to keep touching her and reminding her to give you the odd foot snuggle too. If she’s not naturally affectionate, you need to take the lead.