Here’s what you can do to spice things up:
Play all day: Sex therapists often encourage this technique: engage in solo play, but don’t bring yourself to orgasm. So pluck your strings a few times a day, but don’t blow the horn. This builds desire and keeps your mind thinking about sex. By the time you see each other again, you’ll be chomping at the bit.
Get visual triggers: Keep a collection of erotica and make a point of reading a short story per day. Slushy but steamy romances will start your mind latching onto fantasies. Keep this up for a few weeks or get your book club to experiment with some steamy titles. (Check out a suggested list in Chapter 9.)
Dress sexily: Couples who wear sexy outfits are more likely to get it on. Stockings and suspenders are designed for erotic action, and the effect of skimpy lingerie will work for both of you, enhancing excitement and getting you in the mood.
Talk sexy: Talking about fantasies and watching explicit videos can lead to more excitement in sexual relationships. Though they won’t necessarily guarantee sexual satisfaction or enjoyment, they just might get you started.
And here’s a list of suggestions for your man:
Foreplay: Yawn, that old thing? Yup, the Pointer Sisters were singing it for all of us when they yearned for a lover with a slow hand. Nothing will get you hotter than a really long, slow, comfortable bout of foreplay, so get him to linger longer. Most of a woman’s arousal happens in her head, and sex is a full-body experience. Tell him, once and for all, that foreplay does not mean heading straight for your clitoris. In fact, he should stay away from the pink bits for as long as possible and try to discover other erogenous zones (wrists and necks are a good place to start). Foreplay will encourage you to relax and unwind. Hand him a couple of copies of Cosmo if he’s a slow learner.
Lighten up: Hard, firm strokes may work on the toothpaste tube, but they smack of wanting to get to the good stuff in the bedroom. Women prefer a gentle, light touch when their bodies are being stroked during foreplay. Explain to him that squeezing the breasts or butt, or harder strokes, is not a turn-on. Neither is slapping your butt as you bend over to take the fish out of the oven.
Rattle and shake: Introduce him to your vibrator. These clever little devices are possibly what men have been looking for all their lives: the foolproof method of arousing a woman’s interest. The lovely little vibrations increase the blood flow to your pink bits, which can actually cause arousal. Insist on lying on your back and relax as he massages your outer lips. Bill it as a sport massage and get him to tease around the outside. Tell him to avoid the hard-wired male impulse to think penetration is going to get you fired up. Think of it like a jackhammer breaking through the ice barrier; the reward is just inches away.
Pump it: There is a clitoral ‘pump’ device called the Eros available in the US and UK that supposedly treats low sexual desire (see http://www.eros-therapy.com). The theory is that it increases blood flow by using a gentle vacuum. You can probably achieve the same effect with any suction-type vibrator, or even with a plastic bath toy with a suction device.
Find erotica that you both rate: Wondering why his collection of Double-D Dykes is making you yawn? Girls like porn with a plot. That means there has to be a storyline that grabs your imagination.
Tingling stuff: Cruise the back pages of the newspaper for adverts for ‘desire creams’. Some claim to produce a tingling sensation on the clitoris. Durex has just released a great range of lubes called’ Play’, and you can get either the ‘Tingle’ or ‘Heat’ variety. The reviews are mostly fab (although some people report a burning feeling). A touch of Vicks may do the same, but proceed with caution.