For my husband’s fiftieth birthday party, I booked a trip to Thailand. No kids, no friends – just us for the first time in years. I had an ulterior motive. I felt like we had lost the passion. We had become, to put it frankly, prudes. We had been wild and fun in our youth. I knew it would take something somewhat radical to bring it back.
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We had been faithful to each other for over twenty years, and I felt our relationship was strong enough to handle a few shocks. Tom had always wanted to watch me with another woman. I took a deep breath on the first day we were there and asked the hotel concierge how to organise ‘a girl’. I didn’t know how else to go about it. He didn’t flinch and said he would send one to our room at nine that night.

​Here’s what you can do to spice things up:
Play all day: Sex therapists often encourage this technique: engage in solo play, but don’t bring yourself to orgasm. So pluck your strings a few times a day, but don’t blow the horn. This builds desire and keeps your mind thinking about sex. By the time you see each other again, you’ll be chomping at the bit.
Get visual triggers: Keep a collection of erotica and make a point of reading a short story per day. Slushy but steamy romances will start your mind latching onto fantasies. Keep this up for a few weeks or get your book club to experiment with some steamy titles. (Check out a suggested list in Chapter 9.)
Dress sexily: Couples who wear sexy outfits are more likely to get it on. Stockings and suspenders are designed for erotic action, and the effect of skimpy lingerie will work for both of you, enhancing excitement and getting you in the mood.
Talk sexy: Talking about fantasies and watching explicit videos can lead to more excitement in sexual relationships. Though they won’t necessarily guarantee sexual satisfaction or enjoyment, they just might get you started.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. – Woody Allen
 
Somewhere between buying your first king-sized bed (for nights of endless passion) and getting a second bond (for the orthodontic work on your son’s teeth), you lost your sex life. It’s annoying enough losing your car keys, but losing an entire part of your life is downright strange. One minute it was right behind you, keeping you warm in the freezing storeroom at your cousin’s bar mitzvah, and the next second it was gone.
A lot of things will go missing over the years when you are parenting, but this one is the most elusive. It first disappeared during that disastrous round of organic washable nappies you attempted. But way back then, its absence was noted with relief. It made a brief reappearance one night after three bottles of wine when your in-laws offered to babysit, but then the darn thing went AWOL again for another four months. Excitingly, you had a crazy non-stop love-fest during your six-year anniversary trip to Mauritius after that pesky episode when he had a crush on the yoga instructor. And then it went into long and seemingly permanent remission.